you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
