My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Randomize
