hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
