My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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