so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I need water and some morals
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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