Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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