Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
