Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
