the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize