I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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