Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Houston, we have a blender
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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