Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize