please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
