Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
