they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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