VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
