remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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