ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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