every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
