Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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