She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
