oh god the rape fog is back!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
