Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
