I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
