Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
