Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
