Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize