They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
her vagine was all disorganized.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
