i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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