You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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