Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
