you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
