last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
