Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
