I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
