I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
