Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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