ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
