i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
