I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
