Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
