I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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