apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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