Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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