so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
