My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
