Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
