Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize