I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
