Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
