I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
