turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
