Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
