I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
